kevinsparakeet and I long ago decided that we wouldn't be falling prey to The Nuptial-Industrial Complex. You know: that entire industry of people that sees big dollar signs go up whenever they hear the word "wedding".  The reason why everybody needs a planner and a second mortgage to get the right to check a different box on their taxes. The same mentality that is why I've eschewed The Knot in favor of Offbeat Bride. I'm not criticizing anyone else for going that route; it's just not for me. At all.  Chiefly because I'm poor. (To give you an idea, my summer clerkship pays $320 a week, and that's a bigger number than I've ever seen on a weekly paycheck before.) The problem is, the NIC is what's standing between me and some parts of a wedding. (That, and we've considered getting a retro limousine, because my dad loves old cars, and it would be a good backdrop for the pictures as well as validate my dad's fantasies about one day sitting in a mint condition Rolls Royce. I realize it would probably be more like a depressing, cigarette-butt laden poorly upholstered Rolls Royce, given that it's a limousine, and the only time I ever rode in one of those, it was a rolling midget disco. [Sorry, TKE RCB '06, but I call it like I see it. And when there are strobe lights and mirrors on the ceiling, it's a damn disco.]) So, occasionally, I like to look at wedding dresses online, because I'm poor and it validates my fantasies. Unfortunately, it also means I have to talk to the NIC.

The Nuptial-Industrial Complex: Hi! Great to see you! You know, you've only been wearing that engagement ring for over a year now. You owe it to your friends to get married soon. They aren't going to be around forever, you know. You don't want to wait until you're a fat old embittered hag of a career woman who can't pop out the babies anymore, because he'll leave you for the Emperor's Club!

Me: ::sigh:: No, not right now. I'm just taking a look at some informal wedding dresses to take a break from deconstructing Article III. Don't go getting your hopes up.

TNIC:  ::grumbles:: Okay! There's this dress: see how pretty it is, with the flounces! And the train! You're not a real woman if it's not bright-white and floor length, and he'll think you're so beautiful with that extra few yards of cloth dragging the ground and slowly turning black!

Me: I think we have some fundamental differences about the definition of "informal".

TNIC:  What, you didn't think it meant something you'd wear to the office on casual day, did you?

Me: No…but I was thinking about something retro, with a hemline just above the knee, or just below.

TNIC: But--but---you'll look like a whore!

Me: The fact that I'm walking into the room on the arm of one man, who then gives me to another one, doesn't communicate that enough for you?

TNIC: (blank stare)

Me: Fine, let's start with floor length. No trains, no fluffy stuff.

TNIC: (angry mutterings about women who don't appreciate the value of being constrained by yards of stiff white tulle that they'll never wear again these days)

Me: So, what have we got?

TNIC: Well, there's this straight white column in satin with the sweetheart neckline…

Me: Let's just hold off a minute there.  If I'm going to be paying almost $500 for a dress, I'd like to be able to at least wear some part of it again.

TNIC:  (laughs uncontrollably.)

Me: Bite me. I'm going to go find a fabric store.

TNIC: But--you'll regret it forever if you don't have the big princessy ceremony of your childhood dreams!

Me: When I'm not drowning in debt, I think I'll get over it.

TNIC: Oh, you'll be back.

Me: Do you have offices in Vegas?

TNIC: Honey, it's our corporate headquarters.

Me:…Shit.

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kevinsparakeet